It's Christmas eve. I have reason to believe that at some point tonight a hairy, obese, Caucasian man will break into my house-and possibly yours. The suspect is believed to have an entourage of wild deer and an obnoxious laugh. The deer's leader goes by "Rudolph" and has a bright red nose. Witnesses say it even glows. The perps M.O. consists of entering a domicile through either a chimney or open window. He then finds his way into the kitchen and consumes any and all foods that are high in sugar and/or fat. After that, he leaves "gifts" in the victims socks and under their Christmas tree. Please, good people, I beg of you: Do NOT under ANY circumstances confront this man and do NOT touch said "gifts."
Tomorrow, If you find any of these "gifts" or "presents" please send them to me for proper disposal.
Please, don't be a victim this holiday season.
Detective J. Bevill